Pools In the Outfield

America's game, baseball, used to be played in America's temple, the ballpark. A diamond-shaped field surrounded by 40,000 seats, a few dozen latrines, more hot dog vendors than you could shake your wiener at and enough overpriced beer to make you forget about the heartburn. But not anymore.

Baby Boomers got their grubby tentacles on the American Temple and turned it into an Entertainment Complex. That's why Chase Field in Arizona has a swimming pool in a place that should have the most choice seats in the stadium -- the center field stands (see picture). That's why AT&T Park in San Francisco has the Old Navy Splash Landing, where the public is invited to paddle into the San Francisco Bay just outside the stadium -- not to watch the game, of course, but to catch a Barry Bonds baseball that can be monetized in minutes on eBay.

This is not a circus. This is not Nickelodeon. This is not Japan.

Here, baseball is holy, and although swimming pools might belong in cul-de-sacs in fake communities somewhere in the Arizona desert, they don't belong in the major league baseball stadium down the road.

Watch the game, kid. Pick up a scorecard. Watch the grass grow, and get the fuck out of the pool.