Mega-Churches, a.k.a. "Happiness Companies"

Who can forget everyone's personal favorites: "Shout to the Lord! All the earth, let us sing!" and "This is the tiiiiiiiiiiiiime -- for woooooooooorship!" Yes, it's the classic three-disc, original recording, remastered, special edition "Songs 4 Worship."

If you want to feel good about yourself, it's between that, a Tony Robbins book-on-tape or some DVD where Suze Orman is yelling at you. But what if you could combine being individually happy with the self-satisfaction of belonging to a mass belief system?

Welcome to the mega-church.

I don't know if you've ever heard of the Crystal Cathedral, located in Garden Grove, California. This might be the most extreme example of the American mega-church, but Google the shit out of it because it's mind-bogglingly ridiculous. I grew up two towns away from Garbage Grove, and you can see this monstrocity from almost any freeway in Orange County. Frankly, I have no idea what actual religion this church even belongs to. Sure, it's Protestantism of some sort, but I suppose I'm missing the big picture by getting all bogged down in the details.

The second link on the Crystal Cathedral's website, after "Visitors," is the bolded "Support This Ministry." FYI, it's only $400 per month for a year to become a member of the Diamond Eagles Club, and you get a cool eagle statue--fucking sweet!

Let me quote the Rev. Robert A. Schuller, the former nepotistic leader of said Crystal Cathedral: "'Those who wait upon the Lord whall renew their strength, They shall mount up on wings as eagles, They shall RUN and NOT grow weary, They shall WALK and NOT fain.' This verse, in a few short and very concise sentences, sums up, in a powerful way, the strength that YOU provide to our ministry with your prayers and financial support."

"And financial support"--ahh, three little words that can make all the difference. When I read the above verse from Isaiah, I know financial support is the first powerful thing I think about...besides prayer, of course. I said besides prayer, right? God, I SAID BESIDES PRAYER! And this $400 per month goes to the support of the Hour of Power, a TV program of that week's I'm-Gonna-Ramble-For-An-Hour-And-This-Didn't-Cost-Me-A-Dime sermon whose tagline is "Confident Living=Creative Living." What is confidence? What is creative? Help me Rev. Schuller cuz I've got none of it!

It's one thing to praise Jesus, it's entirely another to set up an organization employing an army of the exact same moneychangers Jesus felt so compelled to overturn. I know evangelistic organizations have been around in the U.S. for a long, long time, but never have we seen such an influx of tax-empt cashish.

Just like the hippies, these religious Baby Boomers have taken the bag of ideology and filled it with crisp $100 bills. As for what these mega-churches are bringing in, there's a lot of figures floating around out there, so I'll pass on an exact number, but let's just say Governor Pilate's head would explode.

And don't forget, get your favorite Jesus-sponsored recipes today.