Ken Lay

This guy is great. Man did he do it right. Sure, he's going straight to Hell, but damn he had a good run while he was with us here on Earth.

You've heard this before: born in the 40s, got his graduate degree at a time when that actually meant something and then went on to work for a giant company, Exxon, which, unbelievably enough, led to a government job.

Frankly, I have no idea how a job with Exxon would land you a job in Washington, but he somehow miraculously got involved in the private energy sector right before the feds deregulated it and then went on to form everybody's favorite bubble-bursting company, Enron. In 1999, he reportedly earned $42.4 million, which (after the footage I saw of some dude flying a winged jet pack over the English Channel) might be the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen or heard of. But don't leave! The best part of the story is yet to come!

After dumping all of his stock in Enron while simultaneously encouraging employees to buy more, he gets indicted on 11 counts by a federal grand jury and is later found guilty on ten of them. The really sad part is that at the tender age of 64, and only months away from starting to serve his sentence, he passed away from a heart attack while vacationing in the majestic sloping mountains of Colorado. Now that's justice.

Personally, I don't plan on living to 64 because I'm having a loan-related death. The Baby Boomers will have sucked up all of my health insurance, and I'd rather have my son be the beneficiary of my $100 monthly Social Security check so he can pay his $1,500 monthly student loan debt.

But I digress...basically, if there's a Hell, which I really don't hope or think there is, Ken Lay has got to be in it, right? Because if there isn't and he's not, then I'm really lost as to what the fuck this is all about.