AIDS

Because we all know it was a Baby Boomer who fucked that monkey.

Joe Lieberman

Where would we be without your guidance, Joe, you arbiter of social and moral values?

Despite what you think, the Internet doesn't cause terrorism. According to this recent New York Times editorial, Lieberman is pressuring YouTube to "pull down videos he does not like," particularly hundreds of videos produced by alleged Islamic terrorist organizations or their purported supporters. Beyond the unconscionable First Amendment violations implicit in Lieberman's witch hunt is the reality that the INTERNET CANNOT BE STOPPED. It is a massive community where the free flow of information will continue, despite attempts at censorship and control by the likes of China, Myanmar and the junior senator from Connecticut.

If it's not YouTube, then it'll be JihadTube or any number of video sites. Is this campaign demonstrative of the Baby Boomer's lack of forethought and understanding of technology? Or is it just a bullshit PR attempt to demonstrate that Lieberman is "fighting the war on terror?"

Either way, it is the same Clintonian at-all-costs political mentality that led you to buck the will of the voters after losing the Democratic senatorial primary in 2006 and dropping out of the party. Just because you take the worst positions from either side and mold them into your opportunistic political identity does not make you "independent."

The Family Sitcom

You flip through the channel guide and curse at the unrequited picture box of television: "A million channels and nothing on!"

These are the moments that make me want to do so some Baby Boomer Beat Down. Why are you people making us watch these shitty family sitcoms -- the same fucking ones -- for the 30th year in a row?!?

Is anyone aware that Jim Belushi has his own sitcom? Yes, Jim Belushi, brother of John (who actually lived up to his Baby Boomer potential by overdosing before he could sell out and turn into Chevy Chase). Jim Belushi couldn’t light a candle in the wake of one of John’s farts and now he has his own family sitcom? Whaaaaaat?

I read in history books that the Baby Boomers espoused hope and benevolently radical ideas. Their crappy pot made them lose those ideas, apparently, because you're not fooling anyone -- "The Jeffersons" is just "All In The Family" with black people, and we've known it all along.

When I was a kid I learned about setting up a joke from Lucy, I found out about despicable racism from "Good Times" and I was amazed by the power of imagination through "The Muppets." When the Baby Boomers took over, they substituted in the crackerness of Drew Carrey and Tim "The Toolman" Taylor -- if you've laughed out loud at either one of these two shows, I can say without reservation that you have no sense of humor (ask your friends, they'll back me up).

It's a classic Baby Boomerism. Take a basic concept that works, and drive it into the ground. Keep producing the same show with worse actors.

Please……Please……Don’t watch this shit anymore. If Jim Belushi having his own family sitcom doesn’t keep you up at night, think about this: He is the entertainment culmination of the grooviest generation.

Temporary lay offs. Good Times!
Easy credit rip offs. Good Times!
Scratchin’ and surviving. Good Times!
Hangin in a chow line. Good Times!
Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em. Good Times!

The Death of the Full Service Gas Station

Why do I have to get out of my car to put gas in it? Where the heck do all the high schoolers work these days?

Oh, I forgot, they don't work because their Baby Boomer parents give them a $100-a-week allowances to enable their respective drug habits.

My father used to tell me stories of how he pumped gas and washed windshields as a kid -- it gave him some pocket cash and was a great way to meet chicks.

But the Baby Boomers that used to fill those jobs when they were younger grew up and phased it all out when they started owning those gas stations, building a ridiculous amount of them and not wanting to pay one more person than they had to. Now instead of getting the royal treatment while paying up the ass, I have to do everything myself and really pay up the ass. That's not capitalism, that's an oligarchy.

It was once a cultural institution and eventually became, ironically, a romantic image of Americana. It was a place that instilled a sense of community because everybody knew each other and it helped people get to where they want to go. Now the guy on the other side of the bullet-proof windowed cashier's office doesn't speak English and I'm only there in the first place because the Baby Boomers made it a necessary evil.

My windshield is dirty and I'm bitter. And I'm moving to New Jersey.

Divorce

The Baby Boomers have a divorce rate triple that of their parents. Triple!

The long-term familial damage of divorce and the unforeseen consequences for multiple succeeding generations is so selfish, short-sigted, me-me-me Baby Boomer that it makes me want to throw up at the local police department "meeting point" where Mom drops me off to be picked up by Dad.

Divorce, a means of dissolving lifelong commitments, was never employed by any other culture or generation to the extent that the American Baby Boomer used it. Now there's girls in high school popping RU-486 because Baby Boomers made it socially acceptable to hit the do-over button -- even on an institution defended politically as "sacred" and exclusively crucial to our Judeo-Christian virtues.

The Bat Mitzvah

The Bat Mitzvah is the Baby Boomers' greatest faux egalitarian creation. If mainstream Judaism really wants to make a place for women, then it should quit making stuff up for the sake of a scaled-down religious "experience."

The invention of the Bat Mitzvah allowed DJs, caterers, hotels and foam hand makers to make a killing. They are the Mitzvah Industrial Complex, and they must be stopped.

Despite the kick-ass candlelighting ceremony, how many of these girls can even walk up to the bimah? Or carry a Torah? Or preach? Or become rabbis? Or refuse to listen the prayer that thanks God for making men men?

The Bat Mitzvah shows that even in religion and spirituality, Baby Boomers choose the option of painting the house as opposed to gutting the inside.

National World War II Memorial

Thank you Baby Boomer Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur for introducing the World War II Memorial Bill to Congress 4 times over 7 years. Thank you Baby Boomer President Clinton for signing it into law. Thank you Baby Boomer Frederick W. Smith, CEO of FedEx, Baby Boomer Steven Spielberg and Baby Boomer Tom Hanks for leading the fundraising.

The whole thing was proposed, financed and basically designed by Baby Boomers. OK, so chill out, you say...it's just a stupid memorial. Well in and of itself, a World War II Memorial is something I have zero problem with...never mind that there's no Revolutionary War Memorial, War of 1812 Memorial, Civil War Memorial, Spanish-American War Memorial or World War I Memorial. There's a million memorials in D.C., what the hell do I care? D.C.'s a huge place with plenty of space, I'm sure they can find a cool place.

Along with the rest of America, I blindly put my full trust in two obscure executive agencies, the American Battlement Monuments Commission and the Memorial Advisory Board -- both chock-full of Baby Boomers from top to bottom. And so what do these bureaucratically-empowered Baby Boomers do? They decide to put this thing right smack on the National Mall in the middle of the whole fucking city (i.e., our nation's front lawn).

Could the defensive mentality of being such a pathetic successive generation be any more transparent? Well, good news everybody! I'm starting a commission to rename it from the National World War II Memorial to the National Baby Boomer Inadequacy Memorial.

Sometimes there's nothing worse than overpraise -- it lacks sincerity. Better to let and the History Channel do the speaking. Instead, what was once a small, understated reflecting pool between the Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial is now an ill-fitted, grandiose marble obstruction. The National Mall -- yet another precious resource being devoured by the endless appetite of the Baby Boomer.

"Just For Men" Touch of Gray Commercial

You've all seen it. The commercial begins: "The generation that swore it would never get old."

Except it did. And now it's commodifying its own ridiculousness.

Black-and-white footage of dancing at Woodstock, slo-move images of surfing in Venice, awkward racial integration, a cougar dry humping a guy playing air guitar, the opening rift from a Cream song -- the works! Wow, that really does take me back to a time when nobody gave a crap. That sounds groovy.

Except the Baby Boomers actually really do give a crap. They care about themselves, their perceptions of themselves, and everyone else's perceptions of their perceptions of themselves. Self-conscious to a nauseating extent, they now use Baby Boomer imagery to sell something distinctly Baby Boomer -- hair-dye for men.

Preying on vanity all the way to the grave. Ya gotta hand it to them.

"Never trust anyone over 90!" Screw you.

Feminism

There's the modern adage that goes something like what your Baby Boomers' dad once told you: "Sure they want to do everything a man does, but then they want you to open the door for them, too."

I can only imagine what it was like working in the 80s, when feminism was at its peak. Shoulder pads and walk-to-work sneakers notwithstanding, it must've been a tricky time. Your boss wears a skirt but the guy from Mr. Mom is the one who gets laid all the time? Gimme another line.

Baby Boomers are still entirely befuddled by gender roles. And that's the reason that women still haven't broken the glass ceiling (Who hated Sarah Palin the most? Baby Boomer women). The Baby Boomer men touted feminism to get laid, but then institutionally held them down in the office.

There's Baby Boomer hypocrisy by the women in that they wanted to be treated equally, but don't want to pay for dinner. Then there's hypocrisy by the men in that they tell their wives to "show'em what you're made of at the meeting, honey," before going to the office the next morning and having a sit-down with Mr. Senior Partner: "So for that promotion...we've got Joe and we've got Stephanie...let's get Joe in here and tell him the good news."

And what's even worse is that Stephanie's been fucking Mr. Senior Partner for two months! It's no wonder that male Baby Boomers still hire based on sex appeal and females use that sex appeal for leverage and competition among female co-workers.

I'm just glad that our generation has seemingly accepted gender equality in the workplace and at the same time feel free to make spontaneously non-awkward blow job jokes. Now that's equality.

Oh, and bra burning? That symbolic act by feminists to display their gender's defiance and fortitude? Totally made up -- never happened. Shocking.

Dick Cheney

The earliest example of Dick's hypocrisy relates to his (non) involvement in the Vietnam War. Although a vocal supporter, he applied for, and received, five draft deferments, later stating "I had other priorities in the 60s than military service."

After he hooked up with Rummy and did a number of questionable things during the Nixon administration, he got elected to Congress, where he voted against both a national MLK holiday and a congressional resolution to free Nelson Mandela. And before becoming vice president, he was, of course, the CEO of Halliburton, possibly the Iraq War's biggest winner.

I could go on and on, but it's the absolute contrariness to the human spirit that really peeves me. It's the sacrifice of the means for the ends -- and the ends not being wisdom or sacrifice, but of selfishness and power. Do you think Baby Boomers did what they did because it was the right thing to do? No. They did it because they could live more securely.

And what did all this selfishness and ambition secure Dick besides four heart attacks? And besides a blurred image of the Vice President's house on Google Earth...seriously (Note: the White House is not blurred out, but the Vice President's house is)?

It's the lack of caring, the lack of magnanimity. If you asked a Baby Boomer in the 60s what they thought about the government's lack of caring about their life choices, they would have no doubt answered "So?" When ABC News asked Dick in 2008 how his assessment comports with two-thirds of the American public saying the Iraq War wasn't worth it, his reply was "So?" A lot can happen to a group of people in forty years, but certain individuals never change.

Saturday Night Live

Thanks, Lorne Michaels, for keeping your generation cool and relevant.

Except you're not. Or at least shouldn't be. A relic of the 70s that hasn't been funny since Eddie Murphy left to do voiceover work for animated children's movies, SNL has actually become a parody of itself -- kept alive more by the imagination of Baby Boomers than the non-voting age teenagers who aren't watching the show.

To the rest of us, the cue-card-reading 10-minute skits with sitcom-like non-ironic humor is making us pass out before "Showtime At The Apollo." It's all impersonations and funny voices; token black men and gay jokes; bogus commercials or infomercials; and the always hilarious fake game show. God, what the fuck is up with the fake game shows?!?

It's not just the refusal to adjust to the times; the demand that we all live in your sea of mediocrity every Saturday night. It's not just how the your perception of your own cultural potency is echoed by other Baby Boomers, who, through CNN clips or newspaper articles or dinner conversations, manufacture the false notion that this show is relevant, or important.

What it comes down to, really, is Lorne Michaels. Never has a producer inserted himself more shamelessly to get a little screen time. Lorne, the show is about you. It's about you every time you do that same tired schtick backstage with the ex-cast member who returns to promote their new movie, and maybe impersonate an already vulnerable vice-presidential candidate on the way.

The Baby Boomers are on the cusp of losing political power, but as long as they refuse to retire, they'll be around to remind the rest of us what isn't funny.