The Bat Mitzvah

The Bat Mitzvah is the Baby Boomers' greatest faux egalitarian creation. If mainstream Judaism really wants to make a place for women, then it should quit making stuff up for the sake of a scaled-down religious "experience."

The invention of the Bat Mitzvah allowed DJs, caterers, hotels and foam hand makers to make a killing. They are the Mitzvah Industrial Complex, and they must be stopped.

Despite the kick-ass candlelighting ceremony, how many of these girls can even walk up to the bimah? Or carry a Torah? Or preach? Or become rabbis? Or refuse to listen the prayer that thanks God for making men men?

The Bat Mitzvah shows that even in religion and spirituality, Baby Boomers choose the option of painting the house as opposed to gutting the inside.

National World War II Memorial

Thank you Baby Boomer Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur for introducing the World War II Memorial Bill to Congress 4 times over 7 years. Thank you Baby Boomer President Clinton for signing it into law. Thank you Baby Boomer Frederick W. Smith, CEO of FedEx, Baby Boomer Steven Spielberg and Baby Boomer Tom Hanks for leading the fundraising.

The whole thing was proposed, financed and basically designed by Baby Boomers. OK, so chill out, you say...it's just a stupid memorial. Well in and of itself, a World War II Memorial is something I have zero problem with...never mind that there's no Revolutionary War Memorial, War of 1812 Memorial, Civil War Memorial, Spanish-American War Memorial or World War I Memorial. There's a million memorials in D.C., what the hell do I care? D.C.'s a huge place with plenty of space, I'm sure they can find a cool place.

Along with the rest of America, I blindly put my full trust in two obscure executive agencies, the American Battlement Monuments Commission and the Memorial Advisory Board -- both chock-full of Baby Boomers from top to bottom. And so what do these bureaucratically-empowered Baby Boomers do? They decide to put this thing right smack on the National Mall in the middle of the whole fucking city (i.e., our nation's front lawn).

Could the defensive mentality of being such a pathetic successive generation be any more transparent? Well, good news everybody! I'm starting a commission to rename it from the National World War II Memorial to the National Baby Boomer Inadequacy Memorial.

Sometimes there's nothing worse than overpraise -- it lacks sincerity. Better to let and the History Channel do the speaking. Instead, what was once a small, understated reflecting pool between the Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial is now an ill-fitted, grandiose marble obstruction. The National Mall -- yet another precious resource being devoured by the endless appetite of the Baby Boomer.

"Just For Men" Touch of Gray Commercial

You've all seen it. The commercial begins: "The generation that swore it would never get old."

Except it did. And now it's commodifying its own ridiculousness.

Black-and-white footage of dancing at Woodstock, slo-move images of surfing in Venice, awkward racial integration, a cougar dry humping a guy playing air guitar, the opening rift from a Cream song -- the works! Wow, that really does take me back to a time when nobody gave a crap. That sounds groovy.

Except the Baby Boomers actually really do give a crap. They care about themselves, their perceptions of themselves, and everyone else's perceptions of their perceptions of themselves. Self-conscious to a nauseating extent, they now use Baby Boomer imagery to sell something distinctly Baby Boomer -- hair-dye for men.

Preying on vanity all the way to the grave. Ya gotta hand it to them.

"Never trust anyone over 90!" Screw you.

Feminism

There's the modern adage that goes something like what your Baby Boomers' dad once told you: "Sure they want to do everything a man does, but then they want you to open the door for them, too."

I can only imagine what it was like working in the 80s, when feminism was at its peak. Shoulder pads and walk-to-work sneakers notwithstanding, it must've been a tricky time. Your boss wears a skirt but the guy from Mr. Mom is the one who gets laid all the time? Gimme another line.

Baby Boomers are still entirely befuddled by gender roles. And that's the reason that women still haven't broken the glass ceiling (Who hated Sarah Palin the most? Baby Boomer women). The Baby Boomer men touted feminism to get laid, but then institutionally held them down in the office.

There's Baby Boomer hypocrisy by the women in that they wanted to be treated equally, but don't want to pay for dinner. Then there's hypocrisy by the men in that they tell their wives to "show'em what you're made of at the meeting, honey," before going to the office the next morning and having a sit-down with Mr. Senior Partner: "So for that promotion...we've got Joe and we've got Stephanie...let's get Joe in here and tell him the good news."

And what's even worse is that Stephanie's been fucking Mr. Senior Partner for two months! It's no wonder that male Baby Boomers still hire based on sex appeal and females use that sex appeal for leverage and competition among female co-workers.

I'm just glad that our generation has seemingly accepted gender equality in the workplace and at the same time feel free to make spontaneously non-awkward blow job jokes. Now that's equality.

Oh, and bra burning? That symbolic act by feminists to display their gender's defiance and fortitude? Totally made up -- never happened. Shocking.

Dick Cheney

The earliest example of Dick's hypocrisy relates to his (non) involvement in the Vietnam War. Although a vocal supporter, he applied for, and received, five draft deferments, later stating "I had other priorities in the 60s than military service."

After he hooked up with Rummy and did a number of questionable things during the Nixon administration, he got elected to Congress, where he voted against both a national MLK holiday and a congressional resolution to free Nelson Mandela. And before becoming vice president, he was, of course, the CEO of Halliburton, possibly the Iraq War's biggest winner.

I could go on and on, but it's the absolute contrariness to the human spirit that really peeves me. It's the sacrifice of the means for the ends -- and the ends not being wisdom or sacrifice, but of selfishness and power. Do you think Baby Boomers did what they did because it was the right thing to do? No. They did it because they could live more securely.

And what did all this selfishness and ambition secure Dick besides four heart attacks? And besides a blurred image of the Vice President's house on Google Earth...seriously (Note: the White House is not blurred out, but the Vice President's house is)?

It's the lack of caring, the lack of magnanimity. If you asked a Baby Boomer in the 60s what they thought about the government's lack of caring about their life choices, they would have no doubt answered "So?" When ABC News asked Dick in 2008 how his assessment comports with two-thirds of the American public saying the Iraq War wasn't worth it, his reply was "So?" A lot can happen to a group of people in forty years, but certain individuals never change.